It’s quarter past five in the afternoon and I’m still not in a happy mood. I just spent my day reading One of Us Is Lying and been thinking who’s behind Simon’s death. I’m halfway through the book; yet still; don’t have the idea who’s the murderer. Anyway, reading actually keeps me from going insane. It helps me forgetting my problems for a moment, but apparently doesn’t make me feel better.
NJ always told me: everything will be okay and the best thing I should do for now is to stay positive. But how can I possibly stay positive when everything in front of me is turning knotty? My family is a nightmare ever since I can remember; I have toxic family members and an ugly house which I never consider as a home. Plus, I don’t have money or even a coin in my purse to spend whenever I feel hungry. I have debts, been cursed by the most-favourite-perfect-daughter of my parents, a.k.a my evil older sister, got bruised on my legs, appalling back pain, have a terrible anxiety and soon will turn 22 yet still stuck in college. I am envious of other people too and it makes me feel even more pathetic than ever. The feeling of being worthless happens whenever I see lots of achievement posts in social media, specifically in Facebook and Instagram. “Buti pa sila”, I always say that to myself. Comparing oneself to others is not right. I already got that. I am just wondering, most of the time, how would it feel like living with a normal family under a roof, have a peaceful mind and a financially stable life?
Suicide is always on my mind, to be honest. I’m thinking, slitting my wrist with a blade or a knife is the most convenient thing to do but imagining the sight of blood running down my wrist breaks me out in a cold sweat. I’m scared of blood, especially the sight of my own blood. But it’s not a phobia to the greatest extent. I just feel unsafe and threatened whenever I see blood. That’s why I’m certainly not going to do it. I don’t want to die yet, anyway, in spite of having a hard time living in dire reality.
I know problems are temporary; it will be all gone one day. But it’s just hard for me to deal such problems with an anxiety and a family that really sucks around me. Good thing is I’m not alone facing all these; I have NJ who reminds me that life is still beautiful, and of course, I have my cat beside me. They both calm me down every time I’m anxious, having irrational thoughts or angry. I don’t know what will happen to me next or what problems will come and add up on the list, but I can’t give up now, right? Going with the flow is not the smartest thing to do but it’s the only thing I can do for now since I’m powerless, burnt out and broke.
Everything will be okay. NJ’s words are echoing inside my head, maybe I must also try to hold on to that.
Everything will soon fall into its own rightful place.
And I really hope so it will.