At Some Point

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote. God knows how I wanted to write lately, trying to be consistent in posting blogs but the problem was, I didn’t have much time to sit and write down all those thoughts and feelings I want to let out. School stuffs are just becoming harder and yeah, chasing deadlines is really exhausting! I’m supposed to be studying my reports right now but I just want to forget about it for a moment, grab a pen and paper; and put into words all these thoughts I have.

Okay guys, with all honesty, I want to write something refreshing, or filled with positivity and gladness kind of content. But that’s probably not today.

So, enough with my introduction, time to express my feelings for I can’t keep it any longer!

I’M HAPPY. I have my friends in school who are shy, introverts, and pessimistic most of the time. And I see my old self in them; it’s subsequently monotonous and bland to always avoid and isolates oneself from the crowd. It’s kind of sad and lonely. That was the reason why I wanted to break their shells and pull them out of their comfort zone for them to experience new things that will certainly help them to be more mature and somewhat enjoy their college lives. I did persuaded them to join our campus publication where I’m currently working at (I already wrote an update about journalism stuffs). So, I’m glad they listened to my advice. They were hired! I’m glad to see my friends improving and developing their personalities bit by bit. I’m happy to see them growing and the fact that they are also thankful and happy to be part of The Blue and Silver team is more than enough because they all deserved to be there. I know they’ll suffer lots of hardships in their journey as campus journalists, but one thing I am sure of is; it will make them emotionally stronger, better and it will bring out the best in them both intellectually and professionally. Congratulations friends! I know you guys deserved every success you’ve achieved. :))

I’M GUILTY. This semester truly challenged me and placed me in my toughest situation. I’ve been elected in the position of secretary in our school organization and IT’S SO STRESSFUL. I’ll admit, I just.. don’t like to be part of this organization. I know, I’m fully aware that I’m not doing my duties properly and I’m so, so, so guilty about it. My co-psychmates entrusted me that position and yet I’m not taking it seriously. I tried to love my job in our organization, I tried to be active as I could, I participate in their activities, I attend meetings, I do what the president and other officers oblige me to do, but I got tired of trying to be a good student officer to please everyone around me. Thinking about our organization makes me feel so unhappy. I’m so tired of trying to love what I’m doing for the sake of that organization because I just CAN’T LOVE IT.

I’M ANGRY. YOU, you can’t blame me if I’m asking questions regarding to that membership thing because I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY THINGS! I don’t want to waste my parents’ money on your MANDATED YET UNAUTHORIZED FUND RAISING!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANY CONFUSIONS AND I HATE EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAID IN OUR GROUP CHAT. And the fact that I apologized to you for asking questions and the fact that you didn’t acknowledge my apology was so regretful in my part. I was so stupid saying sorry for asking about it where asking questions was not wrong in the first place. It is my right as a student and as your co-officer to know for what the hell that membership thing is for and why you have to force us to pay 10 pesos a week! I understand if that fund rising is voluntarily. In fact, I’m willing to support and include myself to that but you guys are inducing us to obey you without explaining and giving complete information about your plans. You didn’t even bother to ask or hear our opinions about it. Not because you’re in a higher position doesn’t mean you have the right to stop me questioning your unorganized system.

I’M HURT. I’m a sensitive person and I honestly don’t like that side of me. I take things personally and I’m vulnerable. I got easily hurt when people misunderstood me and say something bad about me. I want to defend myself from those criticisms and as much as possible, I want to stay positive but there are always chains in me that trapped me to fight for myself.

I’M WORRIED. I lost the book I borrowed from my schoolmate. It was supposed to be my reference in an article I’m writing and I promised to return it back to her. I looked for it but I COULDN’T FIND IT!! I’m so scared of telling her about her lost book. Scratch that! I FOUND IT!!! THANK GOD!! But I’m still worried about the things that will happen to me on upcoming days, weeks, months, years; I’m worried about my future. Damn this anxiety.

I’M SAD. I always have this feeling where I invested huge efforts, did my very best, yet it’s still not enough. I’m smiling hoping it can turn my sadness into happiness but it doesn’t change my pessimistic feelings at all. I’m not satisfied with myself and for me; there are a lot of reasons to feel sad.

At some point, I just want to cry all these feelings I have out. I’m a happy person, but at some point in my life, I feel down. I want to shout and scream at the top of my lungs all my rants, problems, hatred, EVERYTHING! It’s so heavy to carry all the burdens I have and I can hardly breathe because of it. I want to run to my mom and hug her tight; tell her everything I’m experiencing and listen to what she’ll going to say. I feel so hopeless and so alone these past few weeks. I know, I’m not perfect or even an ideal person to begin with but still, I DESERVED TO BE HAPPY just like everybody else and BE UNDERSTOOD the way everybody wants. But you know guys, despite of the continuous battle in my life, I strongly believe that behind these struggles I’m facing and the sadness I feel, I know God is with me and so I must keep on going. Even if it’s hard to do, I need to because I know I can win my own battles and so I will stand firm.

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